Posted on November 19, 2011
I feel bad about not having blogged much lately, but I’ve been so busy and I’m really trying to make every moment count with these precious girls. I’ve felt almost panicked lately when the days end and I look at their beautiful. sleeping faces. I regret every second that I wasn’t totally present with them … I want a “re-do” for the minutes I was doing something like cleaning or some other task that could have waited while I soak up all these wonderful moments of their childhood. The precious, fleeting baby-ness of Miss Eliza and Adeline’s constant learning and looking more and more like a young lady every day. Really, why can’t these years slow down … why can’t us mommies enjoy these moments longer than the time we are allowed before our babies get big?
As Scott talks to me about needing to invest in our retirement plan and other plans for the future I always tell him *these* are the best years of our lives right NOW. I’m so aware of how fast they are growing and it’s so bitter sweet that I almost feel like I am not able to shake a feeling of sadness because I just want to stop time every day. Is that weird?? I do have a rule that I never tell my babes “Just a minute …” or “Not right now …” Well, unless someone is needing help opening string cheese while I’m going potty – LOL! Sometimes it’s difficult when you have a million things to do and the world is racing by you, and it’s the reason why I only get about three hours of sleep at night … because I try to do most of my work while they are sleeping). But the most precious gift these girlies could get from us is mine and Scott’s undivided attention, time to play, time to learn with us – just US. And there is nothing else in this world that is more important to me than giving them just that. I have been getting much less work done lately because while I hold and nurse a sleeping Eliza I usually work on the computer … but I can’t bear to not just stare at her, kiss her cheek, listen to the little sighing sounds she makes in her dreams – just REVEL in this precious girl, the weight of her little body curled in my arms … okay, must free up this hand too so I can focus only on her …
After nursing to sleep at Starbucks – bundled up for a walk with the clan downtown (iPhone shot).
Drawing with big sissy … look at that look of concentration!
Really crappy shot from the built-in web camera on my MacBook – and I LOVE it … this is us in all our just woke up in bed glory. Except Scott – he hates waking up and will do so only when absolutely necessary.
I have noticed looking over the year’s past images that they are all beautiful, are all full of wonderful moments captured and are all missing one important part of our family … ME. Miss Addie even asked me the other day why I’m not in any of our family photos. So, whether it be by crappy web camera shot of us together in bed in the morning or iPhone at the grocery store or actually jumping into our family session photos and dragging the tripod along with me (and, yes, that means probably having to put make-up on) I’m going to make sure that these precious girls have photo albums full of precious family memories that include their mommy. I happen to adore looking back at my childhood snapshots … don’t give a hoot how “perfect” anyone looked, in fact the goofier my family looked the more memories that flood back.
When my baby brother died a few years ago I desperately sought out every image that he was in, copied and cataloged them and was bitterly disappointed to find that we had so few. When the police showed up at my doorstep that horrible morning, I crumpled to the floor and then immediately ran to grab the first photo I could find of my baby brother, Brett. I needed that connection, to see his smiling face again. For two years I carried around a dogeared travel album that contained the very few precious photos I had of him and I together. I know each one by heart and would sit staring at them with tears streaming down my face, talking to Brett.
Then after being diagnosed with POTS several years ago I went through the same panic and heartbreak. I was being faced with the possibility that I would never again be the kind of mommy Addie had always loved and known … the one who jumps on the bed with her every night, plays chase and throws her in the air at the park, the one who takes care of her no matter what. My POTS landed me in bed and unable to do anything for an entire summer. I had to sit by and watch Addie cry that mommy couldn’t play at the park or go for family walks. I could barely stand up and was forced to crawl to the restroom since my heart soared to 180 bpm simply from standing up and I was passing out constantly. I remember so clearly lying there and gathering my photos of me and Addie together. I still have that collection in Lightroom as a reminder … and it was such a tiny number of photos it broke my heart to pieces. I had thousands upon thousands of Adeline by herself or with Scott but only a small handful that I was in there with them.
I’m determined to make sure my girls have not only a slew of memories to look through (and vow to actually have them all printed in albums as keepsakes instead of sitting on my hard drive), but I want to be sure that I’m in them as well. I don’t want them to end up searching through our photos (should something happen to me, knock on wood) desperately looking for the rare photo of the mommy they remember. And will they care if I feel like I’m out of shape or don’t have make-up on or what have you … absolutely not. I want to tell all of you mommies who read this blog to do the same thing – jump in there with your family photos and with your kiddos and be IN the memories captured!
My poor bug … she was so sick a few weeks ago! I finally got her to sleep early that morning with her resting against me like this so the projectile vomiting wouldn’t land on us anymore (she doesn’t understand if I hold her away from me when she’s feeling so awful, so I’ve just been snuggling her through it all and am now completely soaked with baby vomit – but at least it’s all just mama’s milk). It was a routine of nurse, sleep, puke, nurse, puke, scream and cry, nurse, puke. At least it passed through the family quickly and hit the girls befor me so I was able to take good care of them without having the pukies myself. It’s heart breaking seeing my little June and Addie so sad and sick. Another crummy shot with the web cam on my computer (it comes in handy since it always seems to be near me, especially when the girls are asleep).
And a few “regular” shots … from our vacation in Malibu. We just returned last night … it was fun but totally exhausting and was my birthday on Thursday. Which means pretty much nothing to me, LOL. I don’t do “me” days and could care less about doing fancy dinners out and stuff, so we decided to take the girls to somewhere I never thought we’d go. More on that later.
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