Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
{ well, crap }
Posted on October 22, 2011
You may have noticed something from most of my posts this past year (or you may not have even known about it to begin with). My posts have been pretty void of any talk of POTS kicking my butt this past year. I’m pretty superstitious in only this one area of my life, and that is I never talk about it when I start feeling better. I have the awful experience of what seems to be jinxing it the minute I tell someone I’ve been feeling well. And so while I’ve been soaking up the unreal amount of “good days” I’ve experienced this past year or more … living every single minute to it’s fullest while snuggling baby Eliza and watching her and Adeline grow oh too quickly, I kept quiet about how overjoyed I was to be living so many days symptom free. I had a few short periods of flare ups, but nothing that didn’t pass quickly and nothing that totally wiped me out. And when I say wiped out, I mean can *not* function to save my life … can’t think, can’t breath, can barely stand up, and definitely can’t be a good mommy or wife.
So, if you know me at all you know I don’t like to talk about it much if I’m having a flare up and struggling … unless it’s a really bad one. And then I just get so scared and sad about the possibility of getting *really* sick again that I can’t help but say something. And then after I speak up and stop hiding just how difficult everything has become for me once again I end up regretting speaking up. I am rather talented at pretending and I do my very best to not let on how much I’m struggling because I’ve found it makes people uncomfortable to hear about illnesses and/or I just hate feeling like I’m complaining. Because despite this broken body I feel very blessed with my little family to love me and fill my days and nights with laughter, as well as a business I adore working with people I love. I’ve also heard my share of the “You Don’t Look Sick” comments … which is especially frustrating because as I just explained I fight to keep it together and appear to be feeling “normal” and then just crash (sometimes quite literally when my heart just can’t take it any longer) and also because I would give up the “looking healthy” thing for feeling normal in a second. I just try and focus on the fact that so far with this illness there have always been ups and downs over the years. And I focus on the idea that I’ll hopefully be on my way to another “up” soon.
The most difficult part of it is feeling cheated of being the kind of mommy I want to always be to these girls. I absolutely cannot stand it when Addie is begging to go out and play chase, ride bikes, jump on the bed (a favorite ritual in our house that we do together as often as we are able) … and I have to tell her mommy’s body won’t let me right now. And I admit that sometimes it’s hard being selfless and telling her to go on with daddy and have fun at the park while I sit inside wishing I were running after her myself. At least these days I have Miss Junebug to keep me company, but then there’s the guilt that she’s getting to be old enough that she should be out there running around too. So, all that said, I’m now completely wiped out and just don’t have the energy to wrap this rant up in an eloquent manner – my apologies!!
Leaving you with a couple photos of my little {BIG} blessings (yes, those are totally *real* smiles and I cant say enough how lucky I am to share in those giggles and happiness every day) …
And another of my two babies together …
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6 Comments so far
I was filled with so many emotions while reading your post I felt I needed to reach out and at least say thank you. I am in my late 20′s, mother of a very spirited and energetic 25 month old daughter, business owner, I work at home while also watching my daughter at home (not for much longer due to business getting too busy — which is a blessing, although bittersweet), and I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was 20. I was so happy to find your blog, and I sent my hubby (the photographer for fun and some for our business) links to your other blog that I thought were helpful. It is comforting to find other moms that understand what I am going through that other people just couldn’t. It also breaks my heart. I can’t take my daughter to the park alone because if she bolts towards the street I physically can’t run after her; my body just doesn’t know how to go from walk to run. And I get tired easily too. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me know I am not alone and I will be a regular at your blogs!
Annie,I had no ideal that you were so sick but now I know why we met through your site.I’m a little dizzy so if this all sounds weird i will explain tomorrow,I took my night meds and it slows me down some.Anyway I am so sorry your sick,I’m sick too.I dream of being a photographer but I just am to scared to take the next step.I see what you are able to do and it gives me hope so so much hope.Thank you Annie.I have fibromyalgia for 5years,it took everything from me,except my life.I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and now at 39 I know without a dought what I want to be.I love creating images.I have been studying for almost 3 years and it’s time to move on or stop.I don’t know what to do.
Hi Annie,
I’m 24 years old and was diagnosed with POTS and Lyme disease last year. Having a chronic illness is HARD…it’s a roller coaster ride, it follows us wherever we go, and it’s sometimes difficult for others to understand. But I have to believe that it affords us a sort of important wisdom… an appreciation for life and all of its beauty, its ugliness, its trials and victories. Aside from struggling with daily pain and exhaustion, I worried about what my diagnoses would mean for the future I had planned for myself. Your blog has brought me comfort. I feel like I don’t have to let go of my dreams of getting married and having a beautiful, accepting family. Thank you.
This post really touched me. It made me want to say thank you to the high heavens for everything I have (and it suddenly seemed so much). Besides minor aches and pains, mostly from lugging small children around for the last eight years, my health is fine. Parenting is difficult as it is. Your blog really helped me feel for all the parents who struggle with a chronic illness.
So, I fell in love with your Photoshop actions last night… now I’m in love with your blog
) I knew right away when I started reading your blog, I would like you. I’m due with our 6th child and 2nd daughter, another Eliza arriving in 4 short weeks…
You are by far the most talented creator of Actions I have found in searching both high and low. Thank you for doing what you do!
Hi Annie, I guess I’m a little (or way) late to seeing this…but reading this has really opened my eyes. (I am also a photographer (I however, am new to the business) a wife, and mother of two little girls (with a third on the way!) with a heart problem. Unfortunately, they haven’t been able to diagnose my problem yet. My doctor at first thought it was anxiety, but now it seems that everyone is stumped. I often have days that I cannot even get out of bed, because my heart will NOT slow down (and if I try to, I either pass out or come close to passing out.) It breaks my heart to hear that someone else is struggling with similar problems because I know how hard it is to not be able to just jump up and play with my kids or get much needed work done. However, I am so thankful that I read this, because I looked up POTS and it sounds exactly like what I am going through. I am headed to the Dr. as soon as they can get me in and asking to be tested for this, because something has to change (or at the very least, just getting diagnosed and not living with constant fear of not knowing, would be great.) I know you are busy, and I understand if you don’t reply/email me back… but if you happen to find the time, (and if you don’t mind) I would love to know how you deal with your heart problem or what they might do to treat it if I am diagnosed. Thank you so much for posting this, I don’t feel so alone anymore.