Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
Posted on October 23, 2011
wordless post … this says it all …
Posted on October 22, 2011
You may have noticed something from most of my posts this past year (or you may not have even known about it to begin with). My posts have been pretty void of any talk of POTS kicking my butt this past year. I’m pretty superstitious in only this one area of my life, and that is I never talk about it when I start feeling better. I have the awful experience of what seems to be jinxing it the minute I tell someone I’ve been feeling well. And so while I’ve been soaking up the unreal amount of “good days” I’ve experienced this past year or more … living every single minute to it’s fullest while snuggling baby Eliza and watching her and Adeline grow oh too quickly, I kept quiet about how overjoyed I was to be living so many days symptom free. I had a few short periods of flare ups, but nothing that didn’t pass quickly and nothing that totally wiped me out. And when I say wiped out, I mean can *not* function to save my life … can’t think, can’t breath, can barely stand up, and definitely can’t be a good mommy or wife.
So, if you know me at all you know I don’t like to talk about it much if I’m having a flare up and struggling … unless it’s a really bad one. And then I just get so scared and sad about the possibility of getting *really* sick again that I can’t help but say something. And then after I speak up and stop hiding just how difficult everything has become for me once again I end up regretting speaking up. I am rather talented at pretending and I do my very best to not let on how much I’m struggling because I’ve found it makes people uncomfortable to hear about illnesses and/or I just hate feeling like I’m complaining. Because despite this broken body I feel very blessed with my little family to love me and fill my days and nights with laughter, as well as a business I adore working with people I love. I’ve also heard my share of the “You Don’t Look Sick” comments … which is especially frustrating because as I just explained I fight to keep it together and appear to be feeling “normal” and then just crash (sometimes quite literally when my heart just can’t take it any longer) and also because I would give up the “looking healthy” thing for feeling normal in a second. I just try and focus on the fact that so far with this illness there have always been ups and downs over the years. And I focus on the idea that I’ll hopefully be on my way to another “up” soon.
The most difficult part of it is feeling cheated of being the kind of mommy I want to always be to these girls. I absolutely cannot stand it when Addie is begging to go out and play chase, ride bikes, jump on the bed (a favorite ritual in our house that we do together as often as we are able) … and I have to tell her mommy’s body won’t let me right now. And I admit that sometimes it’s hard being selfless and telling her to go on with daddy and have fun at the park while I sit inside wishing I were running after her myself. At least these days I have Miss Junebug to keep me company, but then there’s the guilt that she’s getting to be old enough that she should be out there running around too. So, all that said, I’m now completely wiped out and just don’t have the energy to wrap this rant up in an eloquent manner – my apologies!!
Leaving you with a couple photos of my little {BIG} blessings (yes, those are totally *real* smiles and I cant say enough how lucky I am to share in those giggles and happiness every day) …
And another of my two babies together …
If you enjoy my little, rambling blog, and have a second (literally), I would so appreciate it if you could pretty please click the banner below to vote for me (and thank you so much if you do!) … each click you make is your vote – heck, you can even vote every day, LOL!
Posted on October 16, 2011
If you enjoy my little, rambling blog, and have a second (literally), I would so appreciate it if you could pretty please click the banner below to vote for me (and thank you so much if you do!) … each click you make is your vote – heck, you can even vote every day, LOL!
Posted on October 8, 2011
This is going to be a short one … I’m exhausted to the core. Balancing everything so that I do most of my work at night while the girls sleep has become quite the struggle lately. The past few weeks I took on a huge project for work which involved doing A LOT of work in order to give customers an amazing product for free. Yes, free. I love my customers and this idea that came to me a couple months ago sounded like a wonderful idea at the time. The reality of it was that I’ve been working my tail off for weeks, getting an average of two hours (yes, TWO) of sleep each night so I could get this finished and all out to everyone.
I tend to just take on too much all the time. If I had as much time as I have ideas for, well, everything (homeschooling projects for the girls, organizing and decorating the house, getting back into shape, and all the *many* ideas I have for my business), I would be so productive! But my reality is that I don’t even have time to shower on many (most??) days, I usually get to sleep at 4am in the morning and then spend the next three hours waking up every 30 minutes to nurse Miss Eliza, and I am having a major POTS flare up from lack of sleep and too much stress. I am so far away from “having it all together” that I can’t help but laugh (and it’s kind of an unattractive little snort if I’m honest) when I read the kind comments from other mommies who tell me how “perfect” my life looks or how how amazing it is how I keep everything “together” with everything I do. I am so far from perfect or even sane at this point … but I am blessed, I have a beautiful family who accept me in all my craziness, and we have an insane amount of love and fun that we share together every day … but “together” is definitely not a word I’d use in describing my life.
If you enjoy my little, rambling blog, and have a second (literally), I would so appreciate it if you could pretty please click the banner below to vote for me (and thank you so much if you do!) … each click you make is your vote – heck, you can even vote every day, LOL!
Here is a little iPhone shot Scott took of me the other day. I had 45 minutes of sleep before having to get up and go record some videos for work … Miss Eliza is sleeping and nursing in my lap while I record some new tutorials. See her little fist in my hair? She has to always have my hair in her hands while she nurses and falls asleep. Love that.
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