Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
{ heart crushing love ?? }
Posted on March 26, 2011
I’m cuddling Adeline in bed. She’s just drifted off to sleep and I stroke her cheek. I can’t believe how long and lean my baby is. Where has the time gone? I feel overwhelming love for her … and then it changes and I feel fear and sadness at the same time as this all encompassing love. Is it all my regrets for days that I wish I would have played with her more, sadness for the times when I have said, “In just a minute, honey,” when she asks me to paint with her or build a fort, guilt for not being the mommy I yearn to be to her? Is it fear for the changes that will come as she grows older, fear for losing the incredibly special bond we have now? And fear that I’ll look back on these days and wish with all my heart that I could have been more to her … that I cherished every moment more fully and been more present with her?
Earlier today we were setting up a painting project to do together when Eliza started crying and was obviously tired and needing to nurse. I sat down to nurse her and Adeline’s face just fell and she looked altogether crushed. “Now you won’t be able to paint with me, mommy,” she said quietly. “But, sweetie, your sister needs to nurse and she’s tired from being woke up too early from her last nap,” I said, all the while feeling so sad that her heart was hurting. “But, mommy, I need you too and you promised. Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all.” —- Insert sound of my heart breaking in a million pieces here —- Eliza starts really getting upset and I sit down, telling Addie as soon as sissy wakes we’ll paint and play like crazy. Sissy nurses and sleeps for two hours … when she wakes it’s so late that daddy has just come home. She gets excited about playing with daddy and starts getting all hyper happy. But we have my half brothers coming over to talk about my dad’s declining health and nobody can play with her. She spends the whole evening trying desperately to get someone to play with her, laugh at her antics, anything … just to see and notice her. I try my best between dealing with baby and talking about really sad and difficult subjects to give her bits of attention and cuddles, but it’s not enough. Finally at bed time (at 11pm, yes I am a bad mommy many days) we get to read a story together, have cuddles and whisper back and forth sweet sentiments and big plans for fun tomorrow. She falls asleep in my arms and then all those feelings of love, guilt, sadness hit me. This happens almost every night lately. And I go to sleep (but not until 4am after working all night, mind you) promising that tomorrow will be better, I will be a better mommy to her and Eliza. And pray that tomorrow night won’t leave me feeling the same.
My iChat convo with my husband as we lay in bed … he’s holding a sleeping Eliza and I’m snuggling a sleeping Adeline:
And the precious pieces of my heart …
First time with yams – they were a big hit. 
So, what does any self respecting photog-mama do – she picks up the highchair, baby and all and heads to the studio because the crappy iPhone photos were just not going to suffice for recording this moment.
I think what that look is trying to portray is, “I’m going to get you for this … you will pay.”
When did she get so grown up???
Our homeschooling adventure has changed … but I’m too emotional tonight to write about that subject just yet. 
I suppose listening to the Cowboy Junkies while holding my sleeping girls isn’t helping calm my emotions. I listen to them during all my sad times and just wallow down in it … I’ve been good at it since I was 12 (the wallowing). The Junkies were with me through years of depression, losing my baby brother, and so much more. But with these girls the sadness is tempered with the blessings and happiness they bring my heart.
I would like to end this post with the note that I’m actually not such a brooding soul, nor do worry and fret all day long. I just happen to vent a lot here and all these emotions spill out while I’m writing late at night. I love hearing from other mommies who can relate to some of my crazy ramblings! I sometimes feel like all I’m ever doing on my blog is writing the crappy stuff or the “hard” stuff and it’s that’s not my reality. Just because I am not gushing about the much bigger and prominent part of my life – the countless blessings, the joy, the happiness – doesn’t mean this stuff I ramble about is all there is. I always think though, “Who wants to read about how wonderful life is all the time?” That would get a little dull to read after awhile. It’s like those Facebook status updates that drive me nuts (this is my sarcastic, cynic coming out), but you know the ones that say, “Oh, I just love my kids and my husband soooooo much, they are PERFECT and life is just sunshine and roses ALL the time!” Really?! LOL!! Because while I do feel those things about my kiddos and hubby on a daily basis (not the “perfect all the time” part though, ha ha!!), who wants to read about that ALL the time? Let’s have some reality that we can all relate to as well!
How is this for some sunshine and roses … ugh. So ready for summer.
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20 Comments so far
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Annie I feel you on every word , thought , and feeling. The LOVE I have for my oldest is something I can not ever explain. I LOVE all my kids but there is something about your first. Then having all of mine so close toether 4 in 5 years has just been so hard. I look at Stella Marie and Dylan and I barely remember them at Ronnie’s age. Plus do this business thing is so hard. It is bringing me such crative joy but i fight the guilt every sec of how it should be spent on the kids, the house laundry. OOOHHH I just want to say I admire you and you are not alone. HUGS!
I can totally relate. I get sad so often thinking about time passing. I can’t think about it to long or I start to cry. That very scenario of having to postpone playtime and then it somehow disappears, has happened more times than I can count. There seems to always be an interruption. I think you are one amazing mommy and your girls are going to look back at all you gave them and thank you for every second of it. And at every stage there is joy! I adore the pictures, Adeline is a gorgeous girl. Well both your girls are stunning!
Oh Annie, thanks for letting us into your world. Just know you’re not alone. I think all moms (or good ones) feel this way about their children at some point in time. Time goes by so fast and we try to cherish every moment, but no matter how much we do we still wish we had done MORE to enjoy it. The truth of the matter is life must go on after we have children. I wish I could press pause on the rest of my life nad just sit and enjoy my daughter and forget about everything else but I can’t. You are doing a fabulous job with both of your girls and your daughters will remember the good times when they’re older, not the times you said “just a moment.” You have so many good memories with them (and have done a good job capturing them as proof). That will be what sticks out, and effects them most I promise!
You described perfectly how I’ve felt before though. Heart aching–Wanting to do more.
Don’t be sad! You are a blessing to so many of us nad have given me a gift I will be forever indebted to you for. Good-looking captures of happy memories! Chin up mama, you are doing great!
Annie, when I was a young mama like you my mom told me how she prayed for us kids when we were little. I immediately adopted & adapted the prayer. It goes something like this, “…help me be the best mama I can be and please protect my children from my mistakes.” Now my children are adults with babies of their own and it’s funny, when our conversations turn to their own childhood it’s the good times they recall. I’ve been brave enough, on occasion, to ask them if they remember such-and-such a time (a time where I think I failed them) and each time I got the reply, “I don’t remember that.” Praise God for answered prayer.
Oh, Annie! I too can totally relate! I am so glad that you feel you can vent on your blog. It helps those of us that do live normal lives and have ups and downs in the day-to-day parenting. It’s hard. It’s a blessing. It’s CRAZY!
I have been having the baby blues – wanting another one, but knowing we are done – and looking at my boys and wondering where time has gone. Sigh…I’m right there with you. Hugs!!!
Hey Annie…I found your site while shopping for actions. I rarely comment on someones blog, but this post really touched me. From time to time I find myself caught up in unbearably happy and contented moments… as a child I can remember looking around at big family get-togethers at Christmas or birthdays. I would see everyone I loved the most in one room, and I would think ‘I never want anything to change’; and into my contentment would creep a little bit of fear. When my first daughter was born I was thrilled…she was beautiful and healthy and I was finally holding her! I looked down into her beautiful little face, and felt a gut wrenching twinge of fear and thought…’my babies growing up!!’. Crazy, huh? One of the most incredible, happy moments of my life, and I am already feeling like a guilty mom. My oldest is 19 and in college now…abby rose, my youngest is almost a teenager. I have loved being a homeschool mom and wouldn’t trade one single minute. But no matter how much time I spend with my girls I find myself looking at them and wishing I had more time to spend with them, more wisdom to give them…more, more, more of everything! And I feel that old familiar gut wrenching emotion, and want to make time stand still, while I get my fill of hugs and kisses and just live in the moment. And then I get caught up in trying to get a photography business going, planning a summer mission trip or paying bills and way too often I look at my girls at the end of the day and wish I had paid more attention, done a better job with lessons, just been a better Mom. At the end of the day, I just want my family to GET how much I love them. I guess what I’m trying to say, and the point of this rambling, too long comment, is that I completely understand how you’re feeling and I appreciate you being real and posting this. I’ve been through what you are going through with your dad. I will be sure and keep you in my prayers. Thanks for letting me share!
Hi Annie,
I can’t relate to you on the motherhood part. I’m struggling right now with the decision of having children or not. Maybe it’s not even up to me. At a later age of almost 35, you spend your whole life trying NOT to get pregnant and then when you think you may be ready, you are surprised with something that may not in fact be your choice. I am an extremely emotional person and have always wondered about my life of a child…when I love, I love wholeheartedly and when I lose that love or it goes amuck, my heart is crushed. Seeing photos of your beautiful family inspires me to have one of my own one day, if it’s in the plans or the stars.
On a different note, I wrote a blog post just yesterday about keeping it real. Have you seen the movie “The invention of lying?” It’s quite clever and funny and gets you thinking. What would life be like if we always told the truth? I can’t be around people who pretend that life is always sunshine and roses. I simply can’t because it’s not that I want to brood in the bad times, it’s just that as you said, nobody’s life is perfect and why not as women share these experiences? We should be supporting each other, not tearing each other down and in a world full of judgemental people, when we say things that are truthful and they frown or scowl, deep down they agree and are happy that there is someone out there brave enough to say the truth. Keep living your life as you are. I don’t personally know you but in all honesty, you have 28,000 plus followers on Facebook, you take the time to answer every single one of our questions, post a lovely inspiration on my wall exactly when I needed it and take care of your own health, family, business and self. They say you can’t do it all, but if that’s the case, you’re doing one hell of a job.
Love, Wendy
xoxoxo
You are definitely not the only one who feels the love till it hurts. I love how you write down real life. No one ever has the “perfect” life and it is so good to hear that others feel the same as me. Thank you for sharing your reality with us even if it is not “perfect”. And as always your photos are amazing! {{love}}
What a beautiful post…your words hit home with me in so many ways, thank you. As a stay at home Mom in the midst of starting my photography business I am constantly battling the household chores, work and just wanting to play with my son. Why do we always have so many things to do and not enough time to spend with the ones we love? I also battle my love/obsession of photographing my son, sometimes I feel awful for having the camera in his face while he is playing instead of just playing with him. I have this crazy desire to capture everything about him because of the overwhelming feeling that he is growing up and I am not ready for him to. The love between a Mother and child is impossible to explain, a feeling you will never know unless you are a Mother, it is unconditional, heartwarming, heartbreaking and beautiful. Why do they have to grow up so fast?! I feel my ‘heart crush’ in some way everyday, “Not right now honey, Just a minute, We will play with cars later”… Why is it so hard to just be a Mother, when all I want to do is hold him tight, play and laugh hysterically all day long.. It is extremely difficult to find the balance in life, of the daily grind and also realizing that slowly we are letting go of the ones we hold dearest to us, but, it is the most beautiful place to be.
You are an inspiration to so many Mothers/PhotograMamas, your work is amazing and the laughter, light and love of your family is so present in your photography. Thank you again for all that you do!
Ciao,
Krista
Annie, there are a lot of moms feel the way you feel (including me), we love our children so so much and it hurts, it’s unpleasant sometimes, we get emotional, but there is no one else in this world who has the same power as they do – That is real ‘LOVE’.
I have a daughter of my own (She’s 2) & a boy on the way. They are the only reason I started to get into photography.
I went through every single one of the pictures you took of your kiddos, all I see is ‘LOVE’ (& they are both so beautiful) I think that’s exactly why it keeps me coming back. We never met, but we have already had something in common – ‘LOVE’ for our children.
And believe me sometimes men are worse than us! A few times now, I caught my husband starring at our daughter or watching her sleep quietly. Sometimes there are tears in his eyes, I didn’t want to say anything (guys don’t like to be caught crying), he tells me he loves our baby too much, he can’t breathe & it kills him. I said to him: “You are a great dad who knows what love means.”
You are a wonderful mother – Annie!
Aloha Ann! It’s me Yvette from Hawaii… It has been a long time and I stumbled one of my favorite blogs: yours! And I am amazingly surprised to find your children so beautiful! And you! I will make sure to visit your blog once in a while…. Mis your works!
i agree with another commenter about the love of your first born being strong. I am like that with my oldest. I am adopted so she is the first person I have ever actually laid eyes upon that is genetically connected to me, and boy, does that play with my mind (and heart) sometimes! when reading your ichat message, i was thinking to myself that as moms, we always carry such difficult burdens and whether its because of your dad, my adoption, whatever…we feel. and we feel strongly.
so,whatever you were feeling that night (Im coming in a little late on this post!), i admire you for just going with it, thinking about it and talking about it. you are a good momma…with a big, caring,feeling heart.
Annie you made me smile with your latest post! First of all I so much agree with you on those “life is so perfect” facebook posts! They drive me crazy and make me feel like I am horrible person at times! I like people who are “real” and say what is on their mind at that given moment. That is why I like reading your blog! Plus you are very creative! Don’t feel guilty for feeling like you can’t give enough to your children. You seem to be giving so much more than alot of other people do! You seem so unselfish and let yourself be the last one you take care of! I work full time during the week and at least one weekend a month ( I am owned by “Uncle Sam”) and I feel so quilty that I can’t be with my kids during the day- that they have to go to a daycare. They are just about the same ages of your little girls! I feel guilty for being tired when I get home, having to cook dinner, clean, and not get enough time to just play with them. On top of that I keep trying to start my own business with my crafting and photography or find another job with less hours. I get so mad that this economy where I live doesn’t allow for me to be able to be home with my kids and just let my husband work outside the house. We both would like that. I admire you for being able to have a successful business from your home! I know it is alot of work and you probably feel pulled in so many directions and that you can’t be everything to everyone. Keep your faith and know your little ones will know their mom worked very hard to stay home with them and how fortunate they are to have you!
Hey Annie, I’m from Brazil and I love this blog. In the future I want to have adorable kids as yours! Tell Adeline that she has a brazilian fan =P I wish you a lot of happy moments with your family. You are a great mother! God bless you all! Hugs
I loved my boys that way when they were growing up. Sometime I thought I was going to smother them by loving them too much. I think the reason Mom’s question how they can love to deeply is because we witness so many who don’t. It crushes my heart to think of a child, any child lacking the love of a mother. I can’t even go there in my mind because it would hurt way too much and I would end up wanting to adopt 300 children who needed my love….lol. Let’s just count it as a blessing that we know how to love those babies like they were intended to be loved. And can I tell you that you have so much to look forward to. You think you love Adeline and Eliza now….wait until you are cradling in your arms, Adeline’s precious baby girl or Eliza’s precious baby boy. I never knew that I could love anyone else so deeply. Maybe it’s a different kind of love but I can tell you that it’s as deep as any other you’ve felt. Maybe we Mom’s are just created or destined to love until it hurts. I think it’s a awesome thing to be created to LOVE
in love with your posts <3xojo
Annie, first I have to say that I have just recently come across your site, and from the very first post I read, you have pulled me in. Your stories are so real, and endearing, I just looked at the clock and realized that I have been reading your posts for over an hour already! And I completely understand how you feel…I am a fulltime student, own my own photography biz and am a mamma to a 17 yr/o boy and a 2 yr/o girl. I feel such guilt over spreading myself too thin with school and work and not ever having enough time with my kids. And for the fact that there is such an age difference with my son and daughter, that he doesnt wanna do the same things with us as a family {play park, disney movies,and baby things} and he would rather be out hanging with his buddies. But that up til just 2 short years ago it was just him and I. And for my beautiful lil baby girl, so small and still so new…she makes me remember all those feelings of having little babies, that I had forgotten about {being that my son is almost an adult now.}…those feelings that when you look at her you do love them so much it makes your heart soar, and ache all at the same time. I think that is the most realest love there is…the love for your children. I love my hubby and my other family members but its NOTHING compared to the love I have for my kids.
Wow. I am so glad you typed almost every emothion that i have had and felt so wierd on. At least i am not alone! I have two children as well….not to mention and a busy tired working mother! But you sound like such a wonderful and fantastiv mother, so take those guilt feelings as a good thing that you have a loving sould and care for them so much. Now i need to take my own advice! Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts….it helped me tonight as i kissed my baby girl and looked at my sleeping son. I feel all bent out of shape myself all the time! Love is so strong and scary!
I look through your pictures and see a beautiful, happy and perfect family. I look through my family pictures and admit I see the same thing but underneath this shiny exterior is that mommy guilt that you so perfectly describe. I am the very proud momma to 2.5 year old Heidi Mae and 8 week old Violet Mae. There are definitely days where I feel like I struggle making them happy as I try desperately to meet their basic needs.
I just remind myself that every time I see one of my girls smile, master a new skill, or tell me they love me, I’m doing a pretty good job. There will never be enough time to accomplish everything we want to as mothers. But our children will see this passion and devotion from us and grow up always having felt loved even if we didn’t get around to the puzzle, art project, or trip to the park. Thanks for sharing your pictures and family stories.
Love this. I can relate. Thank you for your honesty and sharing.