Posted on March 26, 2011
I’m cuddling Adeline in bed. She’s just drifted off to sleep and I stroke her cheek. I can’t believe how long and lean my baby is. Where has the time gone? I feel overwhelming love for her … and then it changes and I feel fear and sadness at the same time as this all encompassing love. Is it all my regrets for days that I wish I would have played with her more, sadness for the times when I have said, “In just a minute, honey,” when she asks me to paint with her or build a fort, guilt for not being the mommy I yearn to be to her? Is it fear for the changes that will come as she grows older, fear for losing the incredibly special bond we have now? And fear that I’ll look back on these days and wish with all my heart that I could have been more to her … that I cherished every moment more fully and been more present with her?
Earlier today we were setting up a painting project to do together when Eliza started crying and was obviously tired and needing to nurse. I sat down to nurse her and Adeline’s face just fell and she looked altogether crushed. “Now you won’t be able to paint with me, mommy,” she said quietly. “But, sweetie, your sister needs to nurse and she’s tired from being woke up too early from her last nap,” I said, all the while feeling so sad that her heart was hurting. “But, mommy, I need you too and you promised. Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all.” —- Insert sound of my heart breaking in a million pieces here —- Eliza starts really getting upset and I sit down, telling Addie as soon as sissy wakes we’ll paint and play like crazy. Sissy nurses and sleeps for two hours … when she wakes it’s so late that daddy has just come home. She gets excited about playing with daddy and starts getting all hyper happy. But we have my half brothers coming over to talk about my dad’s declining health and nobody can play with her. She spends the whole evening trying desperately to get someone to play with her, laugh at her antics, anything … just to see and notice her. I try my best between dealing with baby and talking about really sad and difficult subjects to give her bits of attention and cuddles, but it’s not enough. Finally at bed time (at 11pm, yes I am a bad mommy many days) we get to read a story together, have cuddles and whisper back and forth sweet sentiments and big plans for fun tomorrow. She falls asleep in my arms and then all those feelings of love, guilt, sadness hit me. This happens almost every night lately. And I go to sleep (but not until 4am after working all night, mind you) promising that tomorrow will be better, I will be a better mommy to her and Eliza. And pray that tomorrow night won’t leave me feeling the same.
My iChat convo with my husband as we lay in bed … he’s holding a sleeping Eliza and I’m snuggling a sleeping Adeline:
And the precious pieces of my heart …
First time with yams – they were a big hit. So, what does any self respecting photog-mama do – she picks up the highchair, baby and all and heads to the studio because the crappy iPhone photos were just not going to suffice for recording this moment.
I think what that look is trying to portray is, “I’m going to get you for this … you will pay.”
When did she get so grown up???
Our homeschooling adventure has changed … but I’m too emotional tonight to write about that subject just yet. I suppose listening to the Cowboy Junkies while holding my sleeping girls isn’t helping calm my emotions. I listen to them during all my sad times and just wallow down in it … I’ve been good at it since I was 12 (the wallowing). The Junkies were with me through years of depression, losing my baby brother, and so much more. But with these girls the sadness is tempered with the blessings and happiness they bring my heart.
I would like to end this post with the note that I’m actually not such a brooding soul, nor do worry and fret all day long. I just happen to vent a lot here and all these emotions spill out while I’m writing late at night. I love hearing from other mommies who can relate to some of my crazy ramblings! I sometimes feel like all I’m ever doing on my blog is writing the crappy stuff or the “hard” stuff and it’s that’s not my reality. Just because I am not gushing about the much bigger and prominent part of my life – the countless blessings, the joy, the happiness – doesn’t mean this stuff I ramble about is all there is. I always think though, “Who wants to read about how wonderful life is all the time?” That would get a little dull to read after awhile. It’s like those Facebook status updates that drive me nuts (this is my sarcastic, cynic coming out), but you know the ones that say, “Oh, I just love my kids and my husband soooooo much, they are PERFECT and life is just sunshine and roses ALL the time!” Really?! LOL!! Because while I do feel those things about my kiddos and hubby on a daily basis (not the “perfect all the time” part though, ha ha!!), who wants to read about that ALL the time? Let’s have some reality that we can all relate to as well!
How is this for some sunshine and roses … ugh. So ready for summer.