Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
{ go away … (not you) }
Posted on February 25, 2011
No, not you … these emotions. Can’t breathe through the worry and {looming} depression … need to do something creative soon to lift the fog. Hints of dark feelings from years past are creeping in. How can that be with these two beautiful girls, a wonderful husband and a successful business that I love? It seems deep inside there is a dark part of my heart that will never be completely free of the sad, the insecure, the scared … even though most of my being is filled with all things light, joyful and happy. That broken part of me that was built during a tumultuous childhood and strengthened through tragedies and heartbreak, it refuses to completely leave the building. But now when it starts to rear it’s ugly head, on top of those dark feelings, I feel guilt for it’s very presence … because I adore my little angels and the happiness they bring us, because my husband is endlessly supportive, because I am blessed with a community of friends whom I adore and am lucky enough to have work that allows me to create and still be with my babies. So, how is it that with all those blessings, depression still sits in the corner of my mind sometimes threatening to engulf me again?
There is still the feeling of not being “enough” … not as a mommy, a wife, and now as a daughter once again. My daddy … my strong, stubborn and endlessly kind and generous father, is suffering from Advanced Parkinson’s. We’ve known for many years that something was wrong, but to know my dad is to know he doesn’t like to “burden” those he loves with his own problems and he doesn’t want us to worry. For years I’ve been noticing the symptoms, and his answers were vague and dismissive … “My doctor says it’s nothing, nothing to worry about.” Researching things on my own I knew in my heart ten years ago – yes, TEN years – that he likely had Parkinson’s. A couple years ago I ended up finally just confronting him about it and telling him I knew. He admitted it and then admitted the big shocker, he was diagnosed back in 1992! He had been hiding it and suffering silently since I graduated from high school!! And now, the heartache of watching my dad suffer so much, his dignity being taken away (I can’t stress enough how private and strong he is … and feel almost a bit of betrayal at even posting this much). Parkinson’s is a horrible progressive, degenerative disease that is stealing my dad from me … and even still he is the same man who scoffed at our plans to get him an easier chair to get in and out of because, in his words, “I am going to recover.” And all of this makes me miss my little brother all the more, if he were still alive at least we would have each other to lean on. Oh, my heart aches for him, for my dad, for all of us
Trying to find a balance between letting Adeline see that mommy is hurting and scared, and yet not overwhelming her and making her feel unsafe or feel a need to comfort me is difficult. I never want her to feel like she needs to worry about my feelings and make things better … I want her to feel empathy and compassion, but still be secure in her little child’s world where she is the one who is taken care of and comforted. I never want her to feel like the adults in her life are out of control because that steals away a little one’s childhood faster than anything. She already has so much fear in her little heart over my battle with POTS and knows mommy’s heart doesn’t work right sometimes. I do believe she is learning compassion and empathy on a grand scale for such a little person. Seeing her papa so sick now is yet another challenge she is having to work through, and I just hope I am doing right by her.
Me and my daddy when I was tiny.
How can you not smile with this joy in your life …
And those squishy cheeks and kissable little lips …
And my little giggly Junebug …
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11 Comments so far
((HUGS))
<3 Sorry for what you are going through. Your kids are blessed to have you as a mommy. <3 Praying for you….and your daddy.
Annie, living with chronic illness is no fun. I know you know having the POTS. I suffer from Fibro & Pompe’s and most of my family has no idea. Like your dad I hide it. It’s easier. It’s easier then answering questions and getting the question “How are you feeling?” How can you feel when some days you just want to give in to these chronic diseases. It’s so hard to struggle on. I have for many years, I have small children like you. But as they are getting older and more independent I find it harder and harder to hide the dark inside me. I feel less needed and it’s not easy. Hang in there!!
Annie … you are beautiful both inside and out. I’m sorry you have to watch your dad go through this. Those feelings of “not being enough” are tough to overcome. I think you are doing a fabulous job and those girls are blessed to call you mom! <3
I think you are doing incredibly well for everything you have on your plate. Letting your children see how human you are will help them to express their emotions as adults and know that it is ok to show feelings. It is nothing to be ashamed of. If the dark starts to move in more on the light then I would see about taking some medicine for it. It is funny how one sometimes never knows they are depressed until they are on the medicine a few weeks and it is a whole new world. Also stress can make even the best of us break. Take moments for yourself. Being a new mommy is demanding enough then add in a rambunctious sibling, and a husband that secretly probably years to whisk you off and have you to himself for more then a few minutes and that is a FULL plate! Hugs to you. Your father sounds like an amazing man to now want you to worry
Annie, I have been so touched by the honesty of your journey. I understand your heart when you say how important it is for you to not overwhelm Adeline, and to provide her with safety and love. Looking back over the last few year of nursing my mother through her final stages of Alzheimers, I would never have imagined the blessing it would be to my daughter. As she walked through the journey with me, I saw her grow in grace and compassion toward others in a way that
that I do not believe she would have learnt otherwise. In many ways the journey was a gift to our family. You are a beautiful mother Annie, and your love will be evident to your children as you walk through these personal challenges together.
I am so sorry about your father. My grandmother passed nearly 10 years ago of Parkinson’s. It is a very scary thing to see and learn about I’m not sure makes it any better, but at least knowing is half of it. Sometime’s I wanted to hug her tight enough that she would stop shaking, but of course I couldn’t …and it wouldn’t. I will pray for your family.
I think you are doing the right thing with your daughter. There is never an age where it is easy to tell a child about “adult” things. There is a sight I found once just researching and you might find it helpful for when questions arise (not that you haven’t done your own searching, but I was enlightened by this woman’s story)….get the tissues out, fore warning! http://www.pdf.org/en/children_cope_pd
I absoltely love your work with paint the moon, I wish you ten folds of luck and joy in life!
Take care,
Tanya
Hi Annie, I thought I’d check out your blog because I really enjoy your photography. Obviously, we’ve never met, but I just want to encourage you and let you know that I will keep you in prayer. I can’t imagine what it is like to deal with a chronic illness… I’m fortunate that the worst I deal with are allergies. I also don’t know what happened in your history…but pray that it will cease to rear it’s ugly head and that you will find comfort in your present and peace that passes understanding when it does try to come back at you. I have no idea if you would find any help in this or not…but a good friend of my family, Wendy Wallace, has suffered with chronic illness and many side illnesses as a result of her core illness. She’s written a book called, Doing Well at Being Sick. I’ve not read the whole thing, but she’s a remarkable person with a lot of insight, wisdom and encouragement. I would encourage you to take a look at it. I believe it’s available on amazon for $8.06. In any case, I just wanted to encourage you. I wish you all the best and pray that your health will improve and that life will be good for you. May God bless you richly each day!
That’s so sad!!
( Just wanted to say that you guys are in my thoughts! 
(
Annie, I am very moved by this post. You are such a vibrant person. A beautiful and open person. I can tell just by how many people post on your facebook page that you make a difference in the creative lives of thousands of people. Guilt is what it is, but having a mother with memory loss has taught me that guilt is for suckers! I don’t have time for guilt. Accept that you are who you are and you are good-sadness and all. I know that nagging sadness you talk of. I suspect we all do. But here is what I have learned: there is nothing more healing for the artist than art making. Art is powerful and you, my dear, have power hands. Make pictures for yourself for awhile.
Hang in there! Trite, but I know what a private battle these things can be even while in the midst of the warmest communities. Your images are stunning and what a treasure to have that wonderful picture memory of your father! God bless you both as your work through both challenges.