Posted on December 11, 2010
Oy. I let this go way too long again. Things have been crazy busy here, even more than usual. I’m exhausted, bedraggled, but hopelessly in love with these two precious girls and going through a tough time with feeling like I am never *enough* for the both of them.
Days are so difficult because Eliza nurses and naps with me throughout the day and my poor Adeline is left to entertain herself. I always encourage her to come over and play games with me or just talk or read next to me and Eliza, but a four year old can only stay quiet and sit in one place for so long (and the “be quiet” thing is a whole other blog post, LOL). So, my precious Adeline becomes a bit of an orphan for parts of the day and I just feel awful about it. Then when Scott gets home at the end of the day – poor Scott – we both battle for his attention/help. I’m desperate to have just a minute to scarf down a little bit of food after usually not eating all day or possibly even take a shower if I’m really lucky (crusty spit up and baby pee covered yoga pants anyone?). And Adeline is desperate for someone to really get down and play with her. In my dream world we would all be back like we used to be, getting down and playing *together* instead of all needing different things. And then let’s not forget Scott would like a minute to breathe as well. I miss my Addie Bee and our days of play and doing whatever we wanted together, learning and exploring. I feel like we are disconnected now and that’s the crappiest feeling ever. My heart breaks for her and for us.
But all of that is nothing compared to how difficult the nights have become. In the beginning they were hard, really hard. Baby Eliza needed mommy and only mommy something fierce … but my sweet Addie, who has only known mommy to be devoted to only her, snuggling and spooning her every night (nursing her to sleep right up until 4.5 years, just after Miss Eliza was born) – Addie needs her mommy something fierce too. And this is where I really feel like I’m not ENOUGH. I can’t split myself in two … and no matter what I do it’s not enough for either of my precious girls. Eliza has reached the stage where she really wants mommy to be the only one holding and comforting her, especially at night. And she needs to nurse to sleep at night. And she does not fall asleep easily. Addie needs stories and snuggles, and I promised her that no matter what we would always have mommy and Addie snuggles at night.
So, we usually start off the night doing our usual story telling … but instead of me snuggling Addie and giggling with her as we take turns telling the story, I am either trying to nurse Eliza (with my back turned to my Addie because baby can’t sleep next to her – and we have lots of issues with nursing still, so Eliza’s usually distressed, as am I), or I am bouncing her on the exercise ball as she fights sleep, or I am trying to comfort Eliza and calm the tears. The crying is the worst scenario when Scott is traveling because while I’m trying to calm down a screaming baby, Addie usually lays in the bed sobbing as well because she wants me to be with her snuggling … and if it weren’t so sad, it might be almost be funny to see me trying to think up a story to tell Addie all while trying to bounce/comfort/nurse Eliza who is screaming at the top of her lungs. If we get through with story time and Eliza is still awake many times Scott will get up with Eliza while I snuggle Addie to sleep. This would be fine if Eliza was okay with it … but she sobs for her mommy and my heart breaks that I have to choose which baby gets my love at the moment. If I try to get up with her and put her to sleep, Addie sobs and yells things like, “I was your FIRST baby!!” So, I snuggle Addie and listen to Eliza crying for me in Scott’s arms and nobody is really happy, and I feel like I’m never enough for both girls. This “solution” even cheats Adeline since I’m left feeling angry, sad and frustrated that I can’t soothe and be there for Eliza too.
On the brighter side, Adeline and Eliza adore each other. As much heartache Adeline feels over not having me to herself anymore, she’s never shown anything but adoration and love for her baby sis (except the occasional, “Mommy, you and Eliza stay here in the bedroom so I can play with daddy.”). What is totally awesome to watch is how Eliza will giggle up a storm just by looking at Adeline … yet, Eliza can barely manage a snort for me and Scott no matter how foolish we act trying to elicit those charming giggles. See for yourself on the video page … I LOVE watching this one! It makes my heart melt and I can’t help but laugh myself every time I watch it (and we’ve watched it A LOT, LOL).
This is Eliza June’s confused look … she is all smiles and happiness with me, until I put the camera back in front of my face and then she gets this confused, sad look – I have to be quick!
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