Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
Still not ENOUGH …
Posted on December 11, 2010
Oy. I let this go way too long again. Things have been crazy busy here, even more than usual. I’m exhausted, bedraggled, but hopelessly in love with these two precious girls and going through a tough time with feeling like I am never *enough* for the both of them.
Days are so difficult because Eliza nurses and naps with me throughout the day and my poor Adeline is left to entertain herself. I always encourage her to come over and play games with me or just talk or read next to me and Eliza, but a four year old can only stay quiet and sit in one place for so long (and the “be quiet” thing is a whole other blog post, LOL). So, my precious Adeline becomes a bit of an orphan for parts of the day and I just feel awful about it. Then when Scott gets home at the end of the day – poor Scott – we both battle for his attention/help. I’m desperate to have just a minute to scarf down a little bit of food after usually not eating all day or possibly even take a shower if I’m really lucky (crusty spit up and baby pee covered yoga pants anyone?). And Adeline is desperate for someone to really get down and play with her. In my dream world we would all be back like we used to be, getting down and playing *together* instead of all needing different things. And then let’s not forget Scott would like a minute to breathe as well. I miss my Addie Bee and our days of play and doing whatever we wanted together, learning and exploring. I feel like we are disconnected now and that’s the crappiest feeling ever. My heart breaks for her and for us.
But all of that is nothing compared to how difficult the nights have become. In the beginning they were hard, really hard. Baby Eliza needed mommy and only mommy something fierce … but my sweet Addie, who has only known mommy to be devoted to only her, snuggling and spooning her every night (nursing her to sleep right up until 4.5 years, just after Miss Eliza was born) – Addie needs her mommy something fierce too. And this is where I really feel like I’m not ENOUGH. I can’t split myself in two … and no matter what I do it’s not enough for either of my precious girls. Eliza has reached the stage where she really wants mommy to be the only one holding and comforting her, especially at night. And she needs to nurse to sleep at night. And she does not fall asleep easily. Addie needs stories and snuggles, and I promised her that no matter what we would always have mommy and Addie snuggles at night.
So, we usually start off the night doing our usual story telling … but instead of me snuggling Addie and giggling with her as we take turns telling the story, I am either trying to nurse Eliza (with my back turned to my Addie because baby can’t sleep next to her – and we have lots of issues with nursing still, so Eliza’s usually distressed, as am I), or I am bouncing her on the exercise ball as she fights sleep, or I am trying to comfort Eliza and calm the tears. The crying is the worst scenario when Scott is traveling because while I’m trying to calm down a screaming baby, Addie usually lays in the bed sobbing as well because she wants me to be with her snuggling … and if it weren’t so sad, it might be almost be funny to see me trying to think up a story to tell Addie all while trying to bounce/comfort/nurse Eliza who is screaming at the top of her lungs. If we get through with story time and Eliza is still awake many times Scott will get up with Eliza while I snuggle Addie to sleep. This would be fine if Eliza was okay with it … but she sobs for her mommy and my heart breaks that I have to choose which baby gets my love at the moment. If I try to get up with her and put her to sleep, Addie sobs and yells things like, “I was your FIRST baby!!” So, I snuggle Addie and listen to Eliza crying for me in Scott’s arms and nobody is really happy, and I feel like I’m never enough for both girls. This “solution” even cheats Adeline since I’m left feeling angry, sad and frustrated that I can’t soothe and be there for Eliza too.
On the brighter side, Adeline and Eliza adore each other. As much heartache Adeline feels over not having me to herself anymore, she’s never shown anything but adoration and love for her baby sis (except the occasional, “Mommy, you and Eliza stay here in the bedroom so I can play with daddy.”). What is totally awesome to watch is how Eliza will giggle up a storm just by looking at Adeline … yet, Eliza can barely manage a snort for me and Scott no matter how foolish we act trying to elicit those charming giggles. See for yourself on the video page … I LOVE watching this one! It makes my heart melt and I can’t help but laugh myself every time I watch it (and we’ve watched it A LOT, LOL).
This is Eliza June’s confused look … she is all smiles and happiness with me, until I put the camera back in front of my face and then she gets this confused, sad look – I have to be quick!
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14 Comments so far
Beautiful pictures!! She is such a doll! What kind of lighting setup do you use? And is that a set or your home? I LOVE that wall color!!
So sorry you are going through so much!
A year from now these thoughts and feelings will be long gone and replaced with new emotions. Through all the fog and sleepless nights, know that you are loved; evidence is clinging to your skirts and pulling at your heart.
Patty
omg annie it’s like you’re reading my diary. i can so relate, right down to the exercise ball. big hugs
yes, yes. yes…having similar issues for sure! hugs…typing one handed…lol
your girls are beautiful and your captures of them are breathtaking! My girls are 4.5 years apart & I remember experiencing similar issues with my oldest. For almost 5 years, she had our undivided attention, which made it difficult for her to share that when little C came along. hang in there, you will get into a groove with them and Addie will come around. Dont beat yourself up…pretty soon they wont want anything to do with us
funny how that works.
I am absolutely stunned by your art work! Did you use a window for these pictures or did you have other external lighting. I’d really like to master that clean, fresh look from the pictures above! Any ideas you’d be willing to pass on?!
Have a wonderful night!!!
I just want to say I admire you! I love your work but I admire that through all that is going on you are still a devoted and Loving Mother!
where did the time go?
I am a mother of 4 and understand the stress of “SHARING” your love/time with every child! It does get easier as they get older BUT, that is the sad reality they do get older! My oldest being 13 and 6foot!
Your girls are so beautiful, I know things seem hard now but they will get easier for you! Being a mother is the HARDEST and MOST FULFILLING job that there is! It has its ups and definitely its downs but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world!
My 16m old is sick at the moment so more clingy than usual, good thing us moms are multi-taskers, we can check “typing with one hand” off the list
I remember those similar nights over 20 years ago….they seemed endless….thought things would never get easier. I’ll be praying for you and your family…..my husband and I just married off our “baby” (our 20 year old son) this past weekend…..we have done so many “remember whens!” Even with the difficult times, cherish these moments…..the beautiful memories you capture with your photography can carry you through.
Just love you site and blog…..I check them almost daily…..I just started a blog and hope to feature yours soon! Thanks for being so transparent in sharing.
My girls are little over 4 years apart and I went through the same exact thing. My oldest Bella had always slept between my husband and I until right before my youngest Evie arrived. We made her a bed on the floor next to my husband but it wasn’t enough for her. Bella felt neglected because her little sister needed Mommy so much. It didn’t help that Evie had acid reflux in was in constant need of comforting. Much like you all I wanted to due was split myself in half so everyone could be happy at the same time. I remember so many tear filled days and my heart feeling like it would break. We struggled through those first 6 months until my youngest was able to sleep through the night. Then slowly but surely things got better. Evie began sleeping through the night so I didn’t need to nap when she did so nap times became Mommy and Bella time. The girls loved each other and I would make sure we all had some time to play together during the day.
Hang in there – it gets better it truly does.
It gets better! I have four and there are days when I just want to cry too since not one child is being fulfilled and I am certainly not either! But now my baby is 2 and since all of the children can participate in the same activities, I can come close to making everyone happy! Those early days are the hardest!
I would love to know who the artists are you feature in your music. I like your tunes!!
Such beautiful photos. Like the other comments I would love to know how you capture such clean crisp images. I love photography as a hobby and am always looking to learn
I have 3 little ones. My oldest is 7 (boy) then I have 2 girls 2y4m and 10m. I also work full time. It is really hard trying to give equal time to all but you just do what you can do. Patience for me is key so I don’t freak out.
Beautiful!
I was wondering, did you use natural lighting for the above images, and do you usually do that? What kind of camera and lens were the photos shot with? Would love some “technical” tutorials – LOL! 
Stunning work, thank you for sharing!
your blog is very inspiring. such nice heartwarming photos.
Keep inspiring?
bliss, the pinkmother