Miscellany Flix
2010 Mish Mash
Posted on October 27, 2010
Warning: this is going to be a whiny vent … I’m sick and can’t think straight. I’m really good at pretending to most of the world, but I just want a place to let it out … which is one of the reasons why I started this blog to begin with. So forgive me please. Oh, how I hate to post this – because saying it out loud makes it more real – and POTS wins. I’ve been trying to keep a positive attitude and ignore my body’s signals for the last week, but it can’t be ignored now – it refuses to be. POTS has reared it’s ugly head in a vicious way again. I had a nagging feeling last week when my heart was acting a bit more “funny” than usual, along with the familiar nausea and tummy problems. And it’s been down hill since then.
I suppose I should just be grateful that I enjoyed a wonderful several months of feeling closer to normal and functional. I am thrilled that I got to enjoy Miss Eliza’s newborn stage and first three months without having to deal with the debilitating symptoms that POTS sometimes presents. But I always feel so cheated when my body starts to break down again, and POTS starts seeping into every facet of my life. When your heart is racing to 180 from simply standing up, and you can’t catch your breath and you’re so dizzy you can’t think or see straight … well, it’s hard to do or focus on anything but how horrible you feel. It makes me feel self centered and whiny, it steals my life away from me and my family, it makes me feel like a bad mommy and I get so angry! Every time I’ve had a bit of a “remission,” I get my hopes up that maybe I’ll be one of the rare few POTS patients that experience a recovery … and then reality hits when my nervous system starts betraying me yet again. It feels like my own body is betraying me.
What really, really pisses me off is the days when I can’t play with Addie because I’m too sick. I just had to tell her that mommy is going back to the hospital for fluids and she gets so sad and upset. I try to make it fun for her … let her watch a special movie on the computer, bring snacks and games, etc – but nothing disguises the fact that we’re there because mommy’s heart is sick. This morning I had to succumb to the fact that I’m needing to wear these horrible compression stockings again (they help the blood to go back up to my heart and brain) … she got angry and yelled how ugly they are and pleaded with me not to wear them. Underneath that plea was a little girl who is terrified her mommy is sick again.
And I know that this will make my girls more compassionate and understanding, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get angry on their behalf. For today I will just take it one hour at a time and snuggle my girls on the couch here (it’s so hard when Eliza is fussy and needs to be walked around!!), and be thankful for all the many blessings in my life.
My blessings – they can make everything better (along with my amazing husband) …
Posted on October 23, 2010
Feeling very exhausted and overwhelmed today … must get sleep, so no real post tonight. Extreme shorthand due to said exhaustion and one handed typing with Eliza asleep on chest. Answered 160 emails tonight … will wake up to 80 new ones. Ugh. Having a bit of a POTS flare, hoping it leaves soon, almost passed out in Target today with baby in sling. Love my girls … love them SO SO SO much. Love my amazing husband. Love my mama and daddy who are both going through really crappy stuff right now and I am helpless to make things better or fix it. Did I say I love my girls?? Can’t say that enough. That is all.
But not too tired to share …
Adeline picked her own outfit for this little mini session … she even re-purposed the dress sash from her Matilda Jane to use as a tie (with daddy’s help tying it).
Yes, sometimes I let daddy hold her too. 
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Posted on October 13, 2010
Adeilne’s latest adventure is her elaborate made up life as a novelist. She carries around a cell phone arguing with her publisher about changes they want to make to her story. She was complaining tonight because they want a multi-book deal but haven’t even paid her for the first book yet (apparently they asked her to write “forty-eighty” more books this week). She got off the “phone” (a broken old iPod look alike) and asked daddy for his lawyer’s phone number. Yes, seriously. She has set up an office in her bedroom complete with a desk, chair, pen holder and paper, recycling can and a framed photo of her dog. The other night she professed to having to much work to finish to take a break for dinner … we indulged her imagination and let her eat dinner at the “office.” I don’t know where the novelist idea came from since I can’t even write a coherent blog post on my best days, let alone a book. She keeps me immensely entertained and so proud and full of love.
And there are other things that I should get off my chest … major heartbreak and problems with a couple of close family members (not our little foursome, but close to home on both counts), my little bouts with depression that left me sobbing like a big puddle of postpartum sadness for several nights, Adeline’s continued struggle as a big sister and heart break at the change it’s brought to her little world, POTS ups and downs, my struggle to balance a tremendous amount of work and not miss out on any time with my girls (i.e., NO sleep), Eliza’s new adventures in rolling over, grabbing toys and “talking” to mommy, the troubles we are having with homeschooling, and so much more … but I’m exhausted and need to do the aforementioned work. So, look out for soon to be posted ramblings. Thanks for stopping by this little blog … leave a comment and shout out that you were here, I’d love to follow your blog as well!
And a couple shots of my little heartbeats. Processed with the Paint the Moon action Passion Fruit Tea from Coffee House (full set for PSE or bonus set for PS) … and a little Paint on Vibrant Color (from Essentials) beforehand.
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Posted on October 6, 2010
Just some pretty autumn shots of our clan playing in the fall leaves. Obviously, I’m hiding behind the camera (and Eliza June in the sling) … but I did hand off baby and camera for a leaf fight with Adeline. I just love these crisp, cool autumn days filled with warm sunshine … and all the pretty colors, oh my! And my POTS has been gracing me with some good days to enjoy them.
Adeline being a little too lovey with sissy …. can you see how she’s gritting her teeth a bit?? You can just imagine me saying, “Geeennntttllee with baby sis.”
Posted on October 4, 2010
New mommies can be identified by the numerous and copious amounts of bodily fluids adorning their clothing (usually a nursing tank, yoga pants and flip flops). The moment you put on something “nice” it triggers your baby to either pee, poop or spit up all over said clothes, or your boobs start to leak before you’ve had a chance to put your breast pads in place. After changing outfits three times due to various Eliza mishaps, I finally made it out of the house in fresh clothes today. Upon nursing in the car and carefully covering myself in order to burp her, I feel a drip, drip, drip on my tummy and legs. Looking down I realize it’s my own fault this time … as I’m burping Eliza over my shoulder I am also expressing milk all over myself with each pat on her back. At this point I decide I don’t even care, and throw the sling on with Eliza and cheerfully lead Adeline into Build A Bear.
{ Yes, we finally took Adeline to Build a Bear. Some of you may remember how sad I was that we had to cancel her planned trip in July when I went into labor that morning, even contemplating driving the hour up and back while in labor just so I didn’t have to disappoint little Addie. This time we surprised her by telling her we were shopping for daddy’s running shoes, and instead showed up at Build a Bear … she had Eliza kiss the doggie’s heart before slipping it in. }
I have one lone pair of nice jeans that I can fit into. Wearing these for a photo session was just like wearing a big target sign for Eliza. In no time at all she had managed to pee on me twice and let loose the biggest poo of her little life all over my new jeans. So huge was this poo, that it covered my lap and both thighs (quite impressive considering the current size of my thighs) … and had the added bonus of soaking through to my underwear as well. Because getting out to begin with is such a big production and hassle, we decided to “dry” it off as much as possible before heading to the store as planned. Within minutes the lap and thighs of my jeans were stinky, crusty and stuck to my skin. Lovely. Even with all that, all it takes is a sweet snuggle and glance down at Eliza June in my arms, and I forget that I’m walking through the produce section covered in crusty poo and sour spit up. No outfit is complete without a little added flair from my baby love muffin.
My POTS symptoms have been very up and down lately. I’ll have horrible days where it’s all I can do to simply sit in a chair most of the day, where standing up causes my heart to soar to 170bpm leaving me breathless and dizzy. And then I’ll be blessed with good days where I can play with Adeline and do normal, every day things. I keep focused on the good days and remember how blessed I am, reminding myself that the horrible days are always balanced with some good. I don’t dwell on it too much, and just think that whatever is – is. There isn’t a whole lot one can do to try and combat POTS and flare ups beyond hydration, salt loading and being mindful of not overdoing it. Of course, there are also a whole pharmacy of drugs available to treat individual symptoms. POTS treatment is very palliative, nothing actually helping the root problem (a broken autonomic nervous system), but instead just masking individual symptoms. I was on a whopping 11 prescription drugs last year at this time. I’m thrilled to say I am taking NO meds now beyond the vast amounts of salt tablets it takes to keep me able to stand up each day. At this time I’m up to about 22 high potency salt tablets a day, that is the equivalent of about 18 grams of regular salt (four and a half times the amount the average person takes in a day, and this isn’t including the highly salted foods I have to eat – YUCK) – and I am still extremely dehydrated with very low blood pressure … POTS patients’ bodies simply will not hold onto water. Anyhow … I’ve gotten off track here again. One day at a time. Grateful for every good day.
And now an unrelated photo share featuring very random photos from the past month …
Adeline’s last horse show of the year …. our little champion. Can you tell she loves her horse? Excuse the bad quality, they were taken with my camera phone in the dark barn. Sometimes you just have to leave the heavy, expensive camera and gear at home so you can just be *present* with your loved ones and not be “on” as the photographer of an event.
Adeline’s latest obsession is playing superhero. I have a matching blue superhero set that I wear when we go on walks or miscellaneous errands. I get funny looks from people, but it’s so worth it to help save poor citizens in distress. 
Me and my girls in the morning … Scott snapped this with his camera phone. Notice the MacBook to the right … evidence of me spending another night working in the dark. It’s laying in my desk/co-sleeper. I bought the co-sleeper knowing that I would probably never use it, but would much rather have my baby girl right next to me in bed. However, the thing has become very handy, as it serves as a desk for my laptop and an organizer for nappies/wipes/night time snacks and water bottles/barrier to keep Eliza from rolling off the bed.
My two angels …
