Posted on June 30, 2010
I don’t think I can put into words how exhausted I am right now. I was so tired earlier this evening that I put my head down to rest at the kitchen counter during dinner and the next thing I knew I woke to Adeline yelling, “Mommy, did you hear what I just said??” LOL! Working all night every night plus being 9 months pregnant, taking care of a four year old and having your husband out of town for a week is not going so well for me. I just get so swamped with things that *need* to be done, and the only time I have to do them is after Addie goes to sleep at night. It’s been this way for, well, four years. Something has got to give soon … any suggestions for this not so well constructed balancing act?
I do have to wonder sometimes if my lack of sleep for the past four years played a small part in my developing POTS. We’re not talking a few restless nights here and there … we’re talking chronic, severe insomnia. Nights with less than an hour of sleep (or NO sleep at all many times) … for days in a row. It has to affect one’s body over time. I know now that I have the illness, that when I am sleep deprived it causes my symptoms to flare up worse than they would be otherwise. But I can be so exhausted physically that it’s hard to breathe (POTS plays a huge part in this … a desperate feeling like I can’t get a deep breath and the act of taking in air is a chore I have to concentrate on) … and, still, my body refuses to actually sleep. It’s an awful feeling. I can’t say, however, that many nights – especially recently with starting my new business – that it wasn’t my own fault for forcing myself to stay up all night just so I can get things done. And even doing that I just can’t seem to keep up with things and feel hopelessly behind. Oh, this has turned into a whine fest … stopping now. LOL!
On a happier note … Adeline is having a “Rainbow Pool Party” this Friday and she’s terribly excited about it. I think she asks me on an hourly basis how many more days and hours until her party, and then laments, “Why can’t we just have it today???” The rainbow theme was her idea … and I think it’s going to be a fun one. She even came up with the “motto” … I am creating little tags and cards to label everything (can you say OCD??), and she didn’t care for my “Over the Rainbow” title on one. She said she’d much rather have it say, “Rainbows Make Me Smile.” And so we changed it, and I happen to like her happy motto much better.
I had a zillion stories I wanted to share here tonight, but they’ll have to wait till tomorrow (hopefully) because I need to take care of this baby in my tummy and my own body and get some sleep now. I’ll close with a little photo of my vintage diva posing before we took her to the pool a few days ago. The pool is something that I can usually do no matter how crummy I’m feeling … as long as I can walk from the car to the pool, I can crash on the lounge chair and watch my baby swim. However, I was really heartbroken yesterday when Addie actually called me a “liar” because I didn’t swim with her like I had promised to do. That cut to the core … I had wanted to get in with her so badly, but my heart just couldn’t take the stress of it that day and I was forced to just watch while lying down. Those are the things that make me so freakin’ angry about having POTS. If it was just me that was affected by it – no problem, I’d deal with it. But when it affects my little girl and my family it just kills me and makes me feel so cheated. Ack … getting all negative again. I really don’t want this blog to be a place for whining or negative crud. I want it to be *real* … but I want it to focus on the positives, of which there are MANY. And I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or bored. I think there is nothing more boring than reading someone’s constant complaining all the time. Someone needs to whack me upside the head when I start sounding like that! LOL!
Going to catch my snuggles with my girl now … I think curling up with her at night and waking up to her smile is just about my favorite thing in life. She is the happiest, sweetest and most sunshine-y little thing from the first second she opens her eyes every morning. I get to have our morning “cuddle fest” and then hear beautiful things like, “Mommy, you are my most favorite thing in the whole wide world … I love you more than all the planets and stars put together … You are my snuggly wuggly bug, mama.” She strokes my cheek lovingly and then climbs on top of me to snuggle. Who wouldn’t want to start their day like that??
p.s. I wish I could be one of those blog writers that have gorgeous, flowing words throughout every post. The ones that sound like poetry and bring a tear to your eye. Instead, I sound like a very boring and incoherent twit. So, I thank you for making it this far in my little blogging journey. Hopefully, I’ll get better at this! And I LOVE reading your comments … so thank you to those who have taken a moment of your time to leave them. Please be sure to leave a link to your blog too so I can read yours as well!!
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