Posted on June 30, 2010
I don’t think I can put into words how exhausted I am right now. I was so tired earlier this evening that I put my head down to rest at the kitchen counter during dinner and the next thing I knew I woke to Adeline yelling, “Mommy, did you hear what I just said??” LOL! Working all night every night plus being 9 months pregnant, taking care of a four year old and having your husband out of town for a week is not going so well for me. I just get so swamped with things that *need* to be done, and the only time I have to do them is after Addie goes to sleep at night. It’s been this way for, well, four years. Something has got to give soon … any suggestions for this not so well constructed balancing act?
I do have to wonder sometimes if my lack of sleep for the past four years played a small part in my developing POTS. We’re not talking a few restless nights here and there … we’re talking chronic, severe insomnia. Nights with less than an hour of sleep (or NO sleep at all many times) … for days in a row. It has to affect one’s body over time. I know now that I have the illness, that when I am sleep deprived it causes my symptoms to flare up worse than they would be otherwise. But I can be so exhausted physically that it’s hard to breathe (POTS plays a huge part in this … a desperate feeling like I can’t get a deep breath and the act of taking in air is a chore I have to concentrate on) … and, still, my body refuses to actually sleep. It’s an awful feeling. I can’t say, however, that many nights – especially recently with starting my new business – that it wasn’t my own fault for forcing myself to stay up all night just so I can get things done. And even doing that I just can’t seem to keep up with things and feel hopelessly behind. Oh, this has turned into a whine fest … stopping now. LOL!
On a happier note … Adeline is having a “Rainbow Pool Party” this Friday and she’s terribly excited about it. I think she asks me on an hourly basis how many more days and hours until her party, and then laments, “Why can’t we just have it today???” The rainbow theme was her idea … and I think it’s going to be a fun one. She even came up with the “motto” … I am creating little tags and cards to label everything (can you say OCD??), and she didn’t care for my “Over the Rainbow” title on one. She said she’d much rather have it say, “Rainbows Make Me Smile.” And so we changed it, and I happen to like her happy motto much better.
I had a zillion stories I wanted to share here tonight, but they’ll have to wait till tomorrow (hopefully) because I need to take care of this baby in my tummy and my own body and get some sleep now. I’ll close with a little photo of my vintage diva posing before we took her to the pool a few days ago. The pool is something that I can usually do no matter how crummy I’m feeling … as long as I can walk from the car to the pool, I can crash on the lounge chair and watch my baby swim. However, I was really heartbroken yesterday when Addie actually called me a “liar” because I didn’t swim with her like I had promised to do. That cut to the core … I had wanted to get in with her so badly, but my heart just couldn’t take the stress of it that day and I was forced to just watch while lying down. Those are the things that make me so freakin’ angry about having POTS. If it was just me that was affected by it – no problem, I’d deal with it. But when it affects my little girl and my family it just kills me and makes me feel so cheated. Ack … getting all negative again. I really don’t want this blog to be a place for whining or negative crud. I want it to be *real* … but I want it to focus on the positives, of which there are MANY. And I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or bored. I think there is nothing more boring than reading someone’s constant complaining all the time. Someone needs to whack me upside the head when I start sounding like that! LOL!
Going to catch my snuggles with my girl now … I think curling up with her at night and waking up to her smile is just about my favorite thing in life. She is the happiest, sweetest and most sunshine-y little thing from the first second she opens her eyes every morning. I get to have our morning “cuddle fest” and then hear beautiful things like, “Mommy, you are my most favorite thing in the whole wide world … I love you more than all the planets and stars put together … You are my snuggly wuggly bug, mama.” She strokes my cheek lovingly and then climbs on top of me to snuggle. Who wouldn’t want to start their day like that??
p.s. I wish I could be one of those blog writers that have gorgeous, flowing words throughout every post. The ones that sound like poetry and bring a tear to your eye. Instead, I sound like a very boring and incoherent twit. So, I thank you for making it this far in my little blogging journey. Hopefully, I’ll get better at this! And I LOVE reading your comments … so thank you to those who have taken a moment of your time to leave them. Please be sure to leave a link to your blog too so I can read yours as well!!
Posted on June 26, 2010
I am completely exhausted and have nearly 200 emails to catch up on (yes, really) … so I’m going to have to make this a short post for today. I don’t want to get out of the habit of posting, so I think some days if short is all I can do, then it’s better than nothing.
Adeline and I had some wonderful projects going on this week. She’s really blossoming with her creative art work. She’s always adored our art projects, but is really starting to get creative with it. We did an alphabet people book earlier this week … she would draw a letter on each page and make the letter into some kind of character. Yesterday we made fairies with a bunch of random supplies, including fuzzy feather hairdos. We did a little origami, made some very interesting recipes concocted by Chef Adeline (sorry, I just could not partake in the yogurt-turned-juice/soup creation), started a Sea Monkey colony (they just hatched a couple days ago and she’s so excited that you’d think she just inherited a litter of kittens!), played lots of dress up, made up a gazillion stories (and drew pictures to go with them), and had lots of fun!
We’ve always given Adeline free, anytime access to all our art supplies, and I think that freedom to express her creativity whenever she feels the need has really helped her creative spirit flourish. She has an arsenal of paints, papers, brushes, clay, chalks, pastels, and a myriad of craft supplies at her disposal. Oh, did I mention the tubs of glitter?? Yes, our entire house is bathed in glitter. LOL!
We made little “nature” bracelets … she collected little flowers and leaves around the yard, laid them all out on a piece of tape and then sealed the other side with another piece of tape. Ahhh, the joys of projects that cost nothing but bring her so much pride and happiness. I just love it when she creates something or learns something new and says with a huge smile, “Mommy, I am so proud of myself!!” Addie adores our nature walks and exploring. We have a couple of special woven baskets we use to take on our nature walks … just picking up random rocks, plants, etc. that we find here and there. Sometimes we’ll simply display them on a “nature table” which changes with each new season. And many times we’ll use the little treasures she finds for art projects or gifts.
Her little nature bracelets she was so proud of …
And here is a little sampling of some of the pieces of artwork she did this week …
I also wanted to share a couple photos of the cake she helped decorate for Father’s Day. We tried to come up with a theme that would be good for Scott, but he’s not really a “theme” kind of guy. I just couldn’t see giving him a cake with a football on it! LOL! So, I just asked Adeline what she thought daddy might like. Her answer, “Pink ballet shoes, lots of flowers and all pink and purple.” Ta-da … the most manly Daddy’s Day cake you’ve ever seen …
On a totally different subject, I’ve had some really bad POTS days this past week. My heart is all out of whack again … making it hard to breathe, stand up or do much of anything. Add being 9 months pregnant to that and it hasn’t been much fun. I’ve had to up my heart medication just to get my heart rate under 110 when sitting down … standing up it soars to 160 many days. It really sucks the life out of me … as the DINET site states, “Research shows that POTS patients’ quality of life is similar to those with congestive heart failure and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.” Anyway, I had to wear my dreaded compression stockings again all week (I wore them every day for the past year, but when I entered my second trimester I was able to go without them most of the time due to the increase in blood volume). They help my body to keep the blood circulating back up to my heart and brain, which can help with the crushing fatigue, tachycardia and dizziness (studies show that POTS patients have 66% less oxygen making it’s way to the brain). Adeline started crying when she saw me putting them on. When I comforted her and asked her why that made her sad she said, “Because when you wear them you can’t play with me or do fun things.” It took me a couple minutes of talking with her to figure out that it’s because when I am wearing those stupid things it’s only because I’m feeling really crummy. And when I’m feeling really crummy life is pretty limited for me … and my poor girl misses the mommy she’s always known and loved. The mommy that plays chase, jumps on the bed with her, and dances until we’re out of breath … POTS is a thief that has taken away many of these things from my girl and me. Now when I have “good days” where my symptoms are not as bad I play with her just as hard as my body will let me!
I’m still really freaked out about how my body is going to react after I give birth. There haven’t been many studies on the effects pregnancy and birth has on POTS patients. However, it has been shown that in many women pregnancy actually triggers or causes POTS. So, I figure that can’t be good for my outlook. I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and not worry until there is something serious to worry about. I’ll deal with it when the time comes. One thing having POTS has taught me is that you should enjoy every single minute of living NOW. Don’t waste precious time or energy on negative, spirit draining things or people. My health can change on a dime. One day I feel relatively “okay” (as okay as one can feel with a broken autonomic nervous system), and the next day (or even next hour) I feel like I am literally dying and am too weak to get out of bed or even make it to the bathroom without crawling. I never take anything or anybody for granted … life is too precious.
And I most certainly did not keep it short! Ha! Sorry … I ended up writing a small novel. Hope everyone is well and happy, and I thank you for taking the time to read if you made it this far.
Much love and peace to you!
Posted on June 24, 2010
I just adore how excited Adeline gets to have me tell her stories now … and not only at bedtime. She would much, much rather sit and listen to my silly, made-up stories than read a book together lately. The favorite tale of the moment is about Pirate Adeline and her matey, Eliza Junebug … they sail around looking for ships loaded with candy to raid. One day, they land on an island full of pink sugar sand, root beer waterfalls, giant lollipop trees, unicorns with cotton candy manes and fairies that help guide them through the caramel swamps. Her favorite part is when Pirate Adeline jumps into the root beer pond, uses her bamboo straw to slurp down the whole thing and then lets out a BURP that shakes the whole island. She literally falls over laughing … and then repeatedly requests for Pirate Adeline to find yet another root beer pond to slurp up. I love it!! Not only is it an oh so special bonding time for us, but it’s stretching her creativity as well. For the last story of the night we always make it a collaboration, taking turns filling in the silly plot. I’m amazed at how much more detailed and creative her descriptions and stories are becoming. We both smile and laugh through the whole thing and she can’t wait to wake up in the morning so I can tell her more stories.
At first I felt silly and self-conscious … but now it’s as easy as pie and she is very forgiving of my flubs and any dull moments in the stories. And Eliza seems to be enjoying the stories and laughter as much as we are if the dancing and kicks she’s doing in my tummy is any indication. Adeline loves feeling the baby kick her in the back whenever we snuggle together. I can’t wait till I have two sweet little girls in my lap to tell stories with! So blessed are we!
I have to add that as I lay here in bed typing this, little Miss Adeline Brett is sleeping next to me all snuggled against my back. I had to laugh out loud a second ago when in her sleep she hugged me tighter and then let out a full on giggle and kept on sleeping. There is nothing in the world better than being a mommy and wife to such amazing people. <3
Please pardon my dust around here … this is just getting started and I’ve got a lot of work to do still. I would love to hear from any friends and family stopping by, so please leave a comment if you have a moment. Much love and peace to you all!